Every now and then I have to remind myself that even though I greatly desire to be published, I really write because I must. I would write no matter what–in my journal, here or my other blogs or one of my manuscripts; I am, in that sense, a writer. Reminding myself of that takes the edge off the paralyzing anxiousness. The dynamic tension, on the other hand, that’s something I don’t want to put to sleep. The dividing line between the two states is razor’s thin and allowing myself to reach the edge is perilous indeed. Case in point, dynamic tension has been nodding off for some time now.
I have ‘chilled’ on my manuscripts, in despair trying to distance myself from the dilemma of which to throw myself at, like taking a nap before re-attacking a knotty problem. I need to give myself over to one of them however. I need dynamic tension to replace anxiousness. I sense I am at a crossroads and about to make a wholehearted choice. Regardless, I need to stop thinking about it and act.
Scions of the Moon as ever baulked at my entreaties and only released her secrets in reluctant flexing spasms like a choking car. There is something wrong, something in the way. I think it has to do with POV. I have three main characters and just can’t get my mind around how to handle their point-of-views. They are close (same gender and age); they come from similar experiences (abandoned in one form or another…without family); have been raised under nearly identical circumstances (monastery); encountered the same problem (the kidnap of their friend and no one to believe them); and have to face the same fear (leaving the monastery… to go ‘out-there’ for the sake of their friend).
While in the monastery, it didn’t see too much of a problem, but now they stand before the wall ready to climb over it and I’m holding them back because I don’t feel confident enough to portray their experience convincingly–or interestingly–enough.
I have my magic system developed enough that I’m comfortable with sending them over and writing about any arcane encounters they may have, but I think I will do one more thing before I definitively decide to pursue their adventure. In the back of my mind, I’m wondering if I should create a fourth character from which to tell the tale and have the presently three mains act as helpers and guides rather than stars of the show. Or maybe tell the tale from the perspective of the kidnapped friend or some other character who would be privy to the story but as a storyteller not directly part of the action. The former sounds more right than the latter. Sigh…maybe I need to grow and develop a little more as a writer before tackling multiple POVs.
Anyway, as a final meditation, I’m going to read Nancy Kress’s Characters, Emotion and Viewpoint in an effort to gain some perspective on and insights into multiple view points. As with all such books, writing ideas float up from the back of my mind as I read. I’ll keep track of them with notes and upon finishing–it’s only a little more than 200 pages–I’ll commit to a road. Should I choose The Kevodran road rather than the Scion track, the time spent with the “Wise Guide” will not be wasted as I’m sure there will be nuggets of wisdom therein panned that I can apply to Efrahm, Selt and Orrja’s story as well.
Am I simply avoiding commitment and, by extension, responsibility? I don’t know. It’s possible, but any plan is better than sitting on my hands enviously reading about another 16-year old prodigy producing copious amounts of YA re-run dubiousness (not bitter at all there are we?). Good, bad or indifferent, I need to forge ahead with my own dubiousness, and if for no one else then at least for me.